How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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