drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
