Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We left an ass print on the piano.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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