I accidentally burped into my bong.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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