We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
