Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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