one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
