i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
40s are totally the cure
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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