Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
