I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
