I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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