the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
