I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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