I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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