I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
