people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
