Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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