Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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