Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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