I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
And then he peed in my hair
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