i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
