k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
