I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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