my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
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An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
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You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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