So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
