Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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