I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
