My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
