You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
