Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
