I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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