I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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