the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
