Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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