some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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