I can text with my tongue
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
