Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
