The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
