hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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