phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.