I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"