im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
