we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just invented taco cereal.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
