Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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