I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
