when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
only if we run a train.
done.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
