my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
