well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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