You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
