You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
