i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
