I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
