Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
