Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
