My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
