I want to make a zoo with you.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
