I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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