i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
