She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out