so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Put some vodka in it
put some vodka in it
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
don't judge my taste in strippers
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.