how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
