My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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