proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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