Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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